Every Part Of Me
by As-Long-As-I'm-Around
Summary: 'Do you ever reach a certain stage or point in life, where you wonder not only how the hell you got there, but why the hell you let yourself get there? I am responsible for every part of myself.' Different take of Book Two. What happens when Marcus turns his methods on Tris?
1. Prologue

Do you ever reach a certain stage or point in life, where you wonder not only how the hell you got there, but why the hell you let yourself get there?

I'm not some weak girl who relies on others to help get themselves out of these messes, nor am I the one who blames someone when it is my responsibility. I am responsible for every part of myself- for my actions, for my choices. As much as Tobias may feel otherwise lately-that I am a fragile bird with broken wings, that I need to be nursed back to health before I can just fly again-I am responsible. I am still strong, although when I have to look at Christina or Cara, I don't feel it. I feel my strength flee, leaving a dull ache in my bones behind, like a reminder. As if I could ever forget. Some things are imprinted not only in memory, but in everything you do. There are times I want to curl into a ball and scream-scream out the rage and the pain. It feels inhumane, emotions of a beast, but I think it's the very essence of humanity and what's keeping me human. I remember a long time ago, when Tobias asked out of fear, and as a joke if I was human. I remember laughing then, but I'm not now.

I am not weak. I cannot be controlled, by anything or anyone. And although some say it's because I'm divergent, I know I was born like this, that I've always had it in me. I just haven't had to use it. Until this.

I am my mother's daughter.

I am Tris Prior.


	2. Chapter 1

I must wake up screaming again. I must, because there is a terrible ache at the back of my throat that wasn't there before, and someone is shaking my shoulders in that desperate way. You know, when they have been trying to get your attention and that form of aggressiveness is their last resort.

My eyes spring open, and I'm staring Tobias in the face. I am sure his panicked expression mirrors mine, and I draw in a shuddering breath, feeling it pull through my chest in an attempt to regain some control. Any control would be welcome.

My palms are sweaty, and I push against his equally sweaty chest, distancing us so I can turn away, so I can hide. This pain, this is private and as much as I want to be a little girl and beg for him to take it away, I can't.

Because I am not that little girl.

"Don't do that," He suddenly snaps, but the usual gruffness in his voice isn't there.

"Do what?" I say innocently as I lean forward, placing my hands on my knees. They almost slide off, but I grip underneath my thighs tightly. I concentrate on breathing, a rhythm so old and easy that I soon don't have to think about doing it, I just am. I almost wish I did, because everything else starts creeping into my head now that I don't have a sole focus.

"That," he says. He touches my uninjured shoulder and turns me around to face him.

"Don't hide from me. I want to help you. Let me help." It is obvious by his tone that he is not used to saying these things. And, he's not. He's also not used to asking for help himself-so why can't he understand that about me? It's not that I don't want his help exactly, it's just that if I start speaking about Will and my parents death, I might break. And I can't afford that luxury right now.

We may have won the battle, but we have not won the war, and I will need all my strength to be able to do this. And when I'm not alone, when it's not night and I have a strong hold on myself, it is easy to remember exactly why I have to be strong. The danger is in those minutes before I fall asleep, when I have to let go.

I don't like letting go.

"I'm fine. Just another nightmare. I'm sorry I woke you," I say finally, knowing that this is a response that will not sit well with him. And by the pointed stare I'm being given, I know I'm right.

"Tris," he growls. There are more lines in his forehead as he galres at me, his eyebrows puckered and his lips pinched together tightly, as if holding himself back. Always holding himself back, that's him. I wonder if he was a happy child before Marcus started mistreating him. But wondering about things like that, is a danger to the mind. And my mind is already dangerous enough.

"Tobias, really. All things granted, I'm okay. Okay?" I press my forehead to his and he closes his eyes as if in pain.

"I know you think you have to be strong, but you don't. I can be your strength for awhile,, Tris. And when you're ready, all you have to do is ask." He opens his eyes and looks at me, as if I won't believe him or take him up on his offer. As if he needs me to believe him.

I nod, and he cups my face. Who knew rough hands like his could have such a gentle touch?

"Okay. Let's try and get some sleep. I'll fight off those dreams of yours." He drops a kiss to my forehead before laying us both down gently.

"With your bare hands, right?" I tease.

"Yes, with my bare hands," he says seriously and pulls me closer to him, as if my bad dreams will have to go through him to get to me. But they are already in my head. That battle is already lost. How can he ever expect to win when I can't?

x.

x.

I wake up hours later, groggy and angry from the lack of sleep, and well, from everything really. The space beside me is empty, except for the little folded piece of paper filled with Tobias's messy scrawl. I make my way to the showers and bump into Susan. I'm sure it's on purpose, nothing is ever by random these days. Though, it is nice to see a friendly face. And Susan is pure Abnegation, not Erudite, so she won't be asking any questions. It's refreshing, and I value it while it lasts. She says a quiet hello, her lips smiling but her eyes assessing. She knows I'm not okay. Would others see it too or is it only her who looks because she is selfless? Do others see, but chose not to react, or is their reaction already programmed into them? It is a confusing thought, and one that leads into many other questions that I do not want to follow through. Instead, I remove my clothes while Susan holds the towel around me, and step into the stream of water. I concentrate on cleansing myself and it isn't long before I have switched places with Susan, staring awkwardly up at the ceiling, dressed half in Amity colours and half in Abnegation. I guess the idea of nudity still makes me feel awkward, a trait from Abnegation. I feel a deep hatred at this, hatred at why we have to think one way when there are so many good ways to think. That we are forced to behave in one manner for the rest of our life. But then I remember that I am divergent, and I've always been this way. But to others, one way thinking is their way of life, and it is safe. So in a way, I understand it.

By the time Susan is done, I don't feel hot from the anger anymore. Instead it has turned to ice in my veins, a constant reminder as if it is the only thing that is keeping my heart beating.

"Never thought I would be doing that," Susan laughs, and I have to smile at the kindness and warmth that radiates from it.

"Any other dauntless wouldn't have used a towel." I reply without thinking, and we both stop. I wonder if I've said too much, but then I remember that it doesn't matter anymore. It didn't matter how I act or react, but it had been a secret for so long that had meant life or death for me, so it was hard to let go.

I've already mentioned that I don't like letting go.

Susan's face is puckered like she has tasted something sour.

"Wow," her eyes are wide and a snicker escapes my lips. Susan glances over at me.

"Was it-was it really like that?" And then she looks guilty. I understand, it is hard to fight against a behavioural instinct.

I smile at her.

"Oh Susan, I'll let you believe in the innocent a little while longer," I say seriously, and her eyes widen even further.

"Uh-um," she stutters as if not sure how to respond and what she should say. I suddenly feel bad.

"I'm kidding! Let's go eat!" she shoots me a grateful smile and I let her lead me because I have no idea where anything is. We walk into another room that is obviously the dining hall. Except there are not a lot of tables. I must look confused because Susan leans over to my ear and whispers,

"Most like to eat outside in the sun," I nod, it makes sense and even if it didn't, who am I to question it?

I am lining up to get food when I feel a heavy glance on my back. I turn around and Tobias's eyes pierce into mine as he watches me carefully. I make a face, hoping it sends a message that I don't need him to be doing that. He just smiles and I look away. He comes to my side as we look for a table and sits beside me when we pick one at random. It almost felt like the first night that I was a Dauntless initiate.

"I spoke to Joanna. She is going to address us all soon," Tobias informs me quietly, taking his own food into his mouth. I observe him then. He is stiff, agitated. I look to where he was standing before and see Marcus. I place a hand on his tense shoulder, and he meets my gaze evenly before it softens. We do not touch each other just for the sake of it. Every little one always means something.

"What do you think they are going to do?" That was Caleb. It is still a weird concept to me, how freely he speaks of his curiosity.

"We will have to wait and see," Susan says gently as she continues to eat. There is a silence but it is too tense to last.

"Do you think she'll ask the Amity to fight back?" Caleb probes, and Susan drops her fork as she says,

"Caleb!" She is clearly upset at the mention of fighting.

I know there needs to be a retaliation. I know the war will erupt, sending out ripples of effects on everyone. And I want to fight, because I know I have to. But I remember that fighting involves death, and it makes me think of my parents and of Will. I know I can't escape what I did to Will, or that my parents sacrificed themselves for me. But I need to wear it as my armour, as my weapon.

I feel Tobias watching me again, and I unclench my fists, not knowing that I had clenched them in the first place.

"Whatever it is, we need to be prepared," I say firmly.

It is the truth in every way. No matter what, we need to be prepared.


	3. Chapter 2

Even amongst the chaotic confusion, the wild untamed panic that never seems to leave me, there can be peaceful moments.

This is as close as I'll ever get to feeling peaceful. How can I feel a word that seems so foreign to me now? There are so many harsh feelings resonating through me that there seems to be no place for such gentle ones.

There can be no peace when I am fighting more then one war.

We are sitting in our small, what seemed impossible group. Caleb and Susan are almost touching and I am nestled between Tobias's legs, my head against his chest. I had forgotten how much I used to love the sun. It seems to whisper against my skin, drawn to it as if it could feel the ice in me and was trying to break through and give me relief.

A nice, but futile attempt.

Tobias is playing with my hair and I let out an appreciative sigh as his fingers weave through the strands. If only we could keep this moment.

There was movement then and all talking ceased to a respected hush. Sometimes silence speaks louder then words- and it was telling me that Joanna was a very respected woman and leader in Amity. It wasn't by force either, because respect and liking someone can't be forced as much as some people seem to think otherwise.

I listen carefully as Joanna speaks and addresses her people. My ears strain to hear any under currents of words not said but implied. I couldn't find any-Joanna told it honestly but with compassion. It isn't hard to see why she's their leader or why she is liked.

"I ask that we take everything in consideration before we make a judgement." She smiles kindly, her eyes skimming over us all.

"Once we have decided and we have heard everything, we'll then make a judgement. While the decision is being made you are all welcome here, as long as you abide by the rules of Amity. You are guests here." I hear a few quiet protests, but no one is bold enough to openly challenge what Joanna is saying. I understand that she wants no conflict here. Fighting goes against the very essence of what Amity is. But there is a war raging beyond these walls that will soon demolish them if they do not put up a fight.

I feel Tobias shift, his hold on me tightening, and then I see Marcus joining Joanna. She smiles at him, in a way that suggests that she knows him on a personal level. I'm not sure how to feel about that, so I forget it and listen to what he has to say, although the whole time he speaks I feel a rage that is boiling underneath, ready to burst at the wrong words or actions. I wonder if Tobias is feeling the same.

"There is no easy way to say this. For desperate times calls desperate measures. There are people who didn't know you, but died to get the truth to you. By not fighting and trying to restore peace is living in ignorance of what is happening around you. And as much as you'd like to stay in this bubble, it is going to be popped. The world as we know it is changing. By not doing anything you are agreeing to what has occurred. You are living in denial and that will be your downfall in the end. I ask that you think and you choose wisely."

I stare at him in shock. It is no surprise that he was a leader-the way he presents his arguments is a learnt skill, though he seems to have a natural gift with words. All in all it is like giving a nicely wrapped present to someone, and it is so well done that you just want it without caring what's actually inside. All of this proves that he is a manipulator-something I already knew. And yet, even knowing this, I could not ignore a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Marcus knows more then he is telling us, and I didn't know if there was a valid reason for him holding the truth back. I didn't know if he was saving it to strike later, because Marcus is like that. He is a snake.

But that didn't make him a liar.

x.

x.

When Tobias and I part ways later that day, I waste no time tracking down Marcus. I find him in the middle of a conversation with Joanna.

Here, where they thought they were hidden, they could be emotionally naked to each other. I'm surprised that they haven't learnt the valuable lesson yet-no where is hidden and no where is safe.

It is obvious that this is more then a friendship, but to what level and who felt what, I could not say. I was not experienced enough, I could only understand my relationship with Tobias, and that was because I knew him. I could not begin to even think about knowing Marcus or understanding him for what he did to his own son.

"You ask us to fight and yet you hold off on the truth. That's not fair to us, Marcus." I watch his face tighten and from behind the bushes, poise myself to attack.

I do not think Marcus is unstable. I think every move he makes is calculated. He would not hit someone or attack someone unless there was, to him, a reasonable explanation for it. Unless he needs the power, the upper hand.

He already has it with Joanna.

"Is any of this fair? I have watched my friends die and betray. I cannot trust anyone. But I have never lied to you. I would not ask you to ask your people if it wasn't important or urgent. And this is of the most urgency." She touches his shoulder and he flinches.

"I understand fairness and unfairness better then you think. I know you. And you know me. I hope one day that you will trust me again, because even though you've done things that broke it, I have never done anything to break the trust." She then walks away and Marcus slumps, as if her last words had deflated him and he could not hold himself up.

I choose this moment to step out, and he spins around like a startled animal. He assesses me-ally or threat-before rolling his eyes to the sky.

Like I am an annoying child, a pain in his ass.

I smirk.

"Hello there," I wiggle my fingers.

"What do _you_ want?" It is almost an insult, the way he spits out _'you.'_

Good. It is good we're on the same page. I have no time for causalities. I don't like him, I hate him. But we need him. I hate that, too. So, I tell him.

"I don't like you. I don't like what you did to him. I think you're a coward. But you're useful."

Marcus stares at me for a moment, his face unreadable.

"That speech really won me over."

"I'll tell it straight. Unless you wanna hit me for that?" I can't help it, the words flow from anger. It's a shame that somewhere along the way, the anger intercepts common sense.

A muscle in Marcus's face is the only sign that I'm starting to piss him off.

"Did I _hit_ a nerve there?" I taunt, and then hold my finger up before he can say anything, if he was even going to.

"No really, I'm done now. What's the truth? What did my parents die for?"

A small smile slowly works its way on his face. He's found the upper hand now and I silently curse myself.

"Now why would I tell you? I know you'll fight anyway when it comes down to it."

"You don't know me at all. I don't trust you." I take a step closer to him.

"But I trust my gut instinct. You need me on this. You need all the help you can get."

Marcus is the one to close any distance off from us, leaning in close to me. I feel uncomfortable now, but I don't move. That would be a submissive move, and it's imperative that I don't back down, that I establish that I am not the weaker link.

"I don't need you yet." Marcus says smugly. I frown. The bastard is holding out and enjoying it.

Truth is Marcus deserved my taunts and a whole lot more-but from Tobias. Nonetheless he still deserves it. But my parents died for this, and I don't deserve the information to be withheld. It is that thought that holds me, and drives my fist into his smug face.

Which definitely wipes it off.

I stand there, horrified at what I've just done. The implications shoot through me, leaving in their wake flushes of hot and cold. I didn't even feel the stinging of my fist, I just see Marcus on the ground with his top lip smeared with blood. He sits up, chuckling quietly to himself.

I have been the one to initiate, if Marcus hits back I would deserve it because I struck first. That is the Dauntless way. Except I don't think Tobias would see it that way, because it was me, and because this was Marcus.

I go to turn away, and am not surprised when a hand clamps down on my injured shoulder, spinning me around and keeping me in place. I close my eyes as I wait for the impact, trying not to struggle away from his touch. I don't know why I don't fight, it seems like it would be a futile attempt, and my shoulder aches and I am just tired.

Pain collides with my face, and I am not enough to hold myself together as I fall.

"Only defending myself there. Once you've grown up and stop pretending like you know everything, because we both know you don't, come and find me little girl and then maybe we'll talk. But I don't need you." And with that declaration he steps over me as if I am dirt, and disappears.

He may have won the battle.

But I will win this war.

I have to.

I have to.


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N**

**I don't think I could ever write in Tobias's P.O.V. I just don't think I could do it justice, so until then it'll all be in Tris's P.O.V **

**I actually feel strong just writing about her. She's a great character. **

**Just to be clear though she's not mine. All rights are to Veronica Roth. **

**Anyway thanks for the feedback! I love hearing what you guys have to say, and the more reviews I get the more I'll update.**

**Oh. Someone asked about the setting. They are in Amity, I was somewhat trying to follow the book but I kinda stuffed it up, so I'm just going where it leads now. **

**x.**

**x.**

_Tris_

Not knowing what to do, is something that I struggle with. I like knowing. Even if it's something painful, there is always that knowledge that pushes me through, that comforts me.

Perhaps there is more Erudite in me then I thought.

I pause at the place that we are staying in. There is no way to hide the mark that is surely on my cheek. I feel it pulse as I feel my heart beat pound through my chest. I have no make up here, no Christina.

I push open the door.

I am good at withholding information from Tobias, but I am not very good at directly lying to him. The house is quiet, but I do not take that as an omen of anything. I search the house cautiously before taking out an icepack from the freezer. I place it on my cheek, hissing as the cold comes in contact with the mark. I wait till the icepack has some sort of effect before I make my way to the bedroom and sit down on the mattress as I dwell.

Tobias would know so there was no point in trying to hide it. But do I tell him who did it, and why? Setting the pack, I put my head in my hands, suddenly tired. It is an exhaustion that is deep in your bones, and I pulse and ache with it.

I have good intentions. I didn't want Tobias to know to protect him from any more hurt or anger from Marcus. I also still yearn for the truth, and I know that if Tobias found out then there would not even be a discussion on the matter.

The door downstairs opens, and my body freezes. I do not know what I'm going to say or if I can cover this up.

"Honey I'm home," I hear his joking tone and guilt clutches me for I'm about to break that manner. He comes in, and the smile slips straight from his lips and his eyes go dark in an instant as he stares at me. I can physically see the anger seep into him, making his posture rigid, and taking his fists and clenching them.

"Hi honey," I try but fail miserably.

He's by my side in seconds.

"Tris," he whispers, reaching out to me hesitantly. I move away, watching as he struggles, swallowing.

"I'm fine. It's okay, let it go."

"No. Absolutely not. What happened, who did this?" He is barking questions at me, demanding to know. It is not an option of whether or not he'll find out. It's only a matter of time.

"If this was Dauntless-"

"But it's not, and everything is different. Who would hit you here?" And then he stills as he realises. There is only one other person who would have the balls to hit me, and that is Peter. But we both know I over power him, and would not keep quiet about it.

Tobias's expression is dangerous now, and even though I know him, I feel a prick of fear.

"No," he whispers, closing his eyes and shaking his head as if he doesn't want to believe it. "No." I watch as a range of emotions cross his face. He is conflicted.

"I hit him first. He-he had a right to-"

"He had _no_ right!" Tobias suddenly roars, turning on me. I can't help it, I squeak in surprise. He has never spoken to me like that before, and I am afraid.

He stands there, almost panting. It is as if his body cannot handle the anger that is crushing down on him, and it is my fault. I hit Marcus first, and in my eyes, although it's not right, it's okay.

"Tris," he finally says, softer now, but I can hear the restraint in his voice.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have raised my voice like that. Please don't be afraid of me." His tone is gentle, and I release a breath I hadn't even known I was holding.

"No matter what, he has no right to ever touch you. I need you to say you understand that. And mean it."

"Okay," I say, nodding,

"Only if you can let it go."

"No." The word is so forceful and firm, and indicates to me that there is no room for discussion. And just to clarify, he repeats it.

"No, Tris, and I mean it. Tell me what happened." It's not a question, it is an order.

I see no reason not to tell him the story now that he knows who plays in it.

"And so," I conclude, and my voice is shaking because his face shows nothing but that hard look,

"I provoked him and I struck first. Let it go."

"You are sixteen. You are a girl. He is holding information from you. Or, pretending to. He is a liar, and he knows nothing but how to manipulate. And now I'm going to kill him." I leap and move in front of the door. Tobias hadn't spoken with much emotion then. He had said it with such a matter of fact tone that it scared me.

It was as if he was talking about going for a walk.

"Tris, move." He growls at me, but he won't hurt me, so I don't.

"No, just leave it for now."

"Tris,_ move_." He says again,

"Or be moved." I roll my eyes at him and he steps forward, brows raised.

"Please just stay with me." I whisper and he just looks at me like he knows what I am doing but can't refuse me.

"Tris, I'm sorry," He whispers as he takes my face in his hand, examining the bruise. I smile but don't say anything. He won't hear what I want to say, what I believe so it's best to say nothing.

As if knowing this, he sighs and picks up the ice block I discarded, putting it against my face, and we stay like that for a long time.

x.

x.

It is always worse the second day-with any type of pain. Is it because the shock wears off and your body suddenly realises and is forced to go through the process? My cheek, my whole face aches. I look beside me, and there is a space where Tobias should have been. One day, I would like to just wake up with him.

The throbbing in my cheek reminds of why that space is there, and I clutch the covers tightly as a spasm of fear shakes me. I then waste no time in bolting out the door. Although I am not familiar with the halls or any of this place, I manage myself quite well.

That's what my life has been about lately, not knowing, managing and surviving. That is what living means to me now.

I burst through the doors of the dining room, and I'm not sure if it was my abrupt entrance or the alarm that I know must be showing, but someone is by my side in seconds.

Caleb places a hand to my face, his fingers soft on the bruise.

"What is it, Beatrice?" Although his tone is gentle, his eyes are hard. I know he knows.

"Tris," I remind him, blowing out a breath before giving him a stern look.

"Caleb, do you know where Tobias is, or where I can find Marcus?"

Caleb frowns at this, and I know he doesn't want to tell me.

Fine. I'll make him tell me.

"Caleb, please, it's important."

"I know he hit you," His thumb strokes over my face and I wince.

"I don't want you going there." I grab his hand and take it away from my face.

I need him to see me as I am now, not as his little sister, not as someone he needs to protect.

"Caleb," I stress and he sighs.

"I don't want Tobias to do this. Please, it's important. There's information that is at stake." Caleb's eyes light up at this. Of course it was the mention of knowledge that makes the crack.

"Please," I hate begging but I have to stop Tobias. Caleb pinches his nose before exhaling. He then takes my arm and leads me through the doors.

"Don't say I told you." I roll my eyes at this.

Pansycake.

"I think we have bigger things to worry about." I tell him as we hurry through bushes.

"Yes, but I'm sure he swings a mean punch."

I smirk at this.

"So do I," He pulls us both up short for a moment, before looking down at me.

"Alright, point taken." And then he starts us up again before stopping a few metres from a house.

"Now, Tris, don't go barging-" But the yelling that no doubt is Tobias reaches me, and I am off. No surprise that I'm just diving in, without a plan. For me, those usually come later.

I launch myself through the door, only to come up short as Tobias and Marcus both turn to look at me. I process the situation as quickly as I can, because action needs to be taken. Tobias was advancing on Marcus, who had been cowering against the wall. You'd think that after his stunt yesterday and what he'd done to Tobias as a child would have him at least reacting better than this.

"Tris, you need to go." Tobias turns his back on me as if the discussion was over and I would do as he said.

He knows me better than that.

"Four." Marcus doesn't deserve to hear his name.

"Come on, he's not worth it." I take his arm, but the only movement he makes his shaking me off. Marcus straightens, relaxes. He's confident that I am here.

I wish that I could take that confidence away.

And then, I realise I can.

I decide that it should be me, because yesterday I was the one he hit.

So, I storm past Tobias, shocking him into a pause, and, not even stopping to gauge Marcus's expression, I let my fist fly.

I should have hit back yesterday.

To his credit, Marcus only takes a step back. I didn't want to waste pain or energy on him more then I had to. It was simply just a message, and in a way I was protecting him from Tobias's wrath. I still strongly believe that Tobias has every right to let the demons out to play with Marcus. I don't want to take that away from him. But he will not be doing it because of me. It is his choice, and it is about him.

"Don't you ever touch me again. Or Four. Or anyone." I say, staring at him before turning around and walking back to Tobias. I brace myself for his reaction, for his anger.

He has a slight smile on his face.

"Couldn't have said it better myself."

And so it was settled.

For now.


End file.
